Impostor Syndrome - I Finally Caught It! (Yay?)

If you read science blogs or follow scientists on twitter, you've probably heard of impostor syndrome.  Imposter syndrome is the feeling that you've somehow fooled everyone into thinking that you're qualified, and fearing that somehow they are going to find out. For a better explanation of imposter syndrome, check out this excellent post from Kate Clancy over at Scientific American.

So here's the thing - I've been reading all about this impostor syndrome, and I didn't have it. Women scientists were being getting accolades, and feeling like they didn't deserve it, and I didn't. If anything, I often feel like I get less credit than I deserve. Which, in my mind, could only mean one thing.

I am not successful enough. 

See, I don't feel bad about getting deserved props. Because I don't feel bad, that means that I don't deserve props. Which means I must be a terrible, unsuccessful scientist.

I feel bad because I don't feel bad. What the hell?

Is there such a thing as being an impostor impostor? Or am I just a totally arrogant jerkface?

Fortunately, I've just figured out that I do, in fact, have (regular) impostor syndrome. YES!!!! (?)

A couple months ago, I got a letter in the mail from the a Scientific Societies that I am a member of, letting me know that I am on the one of the Technical Committees.  I'm only a grad student, and at the time all of the members of the technical committee were "real" scientists. As in, they had already gotten their PhDs, done Post-Docs, and had real jobs. What the heck was I doing in that club?

I'm a real Technical Committee Member. You can tell by
the outfit.(In case you haven't seen Catch Me If You Can,
this guy isn't a real pilot, he just has the props.

When I told my advisor about the letter, he said maybe it was a mistake, which only reinforced my confusion. I figured that it probably was, and decided they would probably figure it out eventually and take me off the list.

Fast-forward three months.  I get an email from the chair of the Technical Committee. "This is really too much," I thought. "If I show up at their meeting like I belong, they're going to look at me like I'm crazy. I'd better figure this out once and for all."

So I emailed the ex-chair of the committee, and asked him about it. He told me that I was indeed on the Technical Committee, and that membership on the committee was often something given to people who had done some service to the Society.

Finally, I noticed that a fellow (male, but not sure if it's relevant) graduate student also was on the technical committee. I emailed him, and he said that he was also confused until he saw that there were other students on technical committees, and was talking it as a compliment.

I still feel a little confused about why I am on this committee. I can't think of what service I've done to deserve it. But I can't help but feel a little grateful to whoever it was that thought that I deserved that recognition. Thanks for infecting me with my first case of impostor syndrome! I was getting worried that I was immune!

Still neurotic, but in slightly
less complicated way.

Tweet